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Saturday, March 1

The Joy and Despair of Flying

Disclaimer: I like/okay love XYZ Airways. Last year I made 83 trips...I am their platinum card member...And the free air miles financed my Kerala trip in December:-)

So this rant against their public address system(and many other airlines) is just one peeve among the many joys!!

Hey guys, do something about it...The more I hear, the more I hate!!

Sample this(of course hugely contrived and exaggerated for effect:-)

1.This is your captain speaking from the cock-pit.
Oh great I thought you were making out in the loo...

2. Whether you are in business class or economy, I have pleasure in announcing that all of you are flying to Mumbai. Window, middle, aisle seats. All of you guys...
Thank you so much captain! I was waiting for that re-assurance from you!!!

3. It's a pleasure having you on-board.(Actually in a 2 hour flight this message often comes after 90minutes of flight...LOL

4. The temperature outside is -38.673 deg Celsius. This is 2.456 degrees less than normal. Mind it!!

3. But we have somehow managed to maintain the temperature inside the cabin at an annoyingly high 26 degrees...Since we love playing with the temperature knob. And pushing down our otherwise high consumer satisfaction scores!

4. We are now flying over the lovely city of Jaipur. If you manage to strain your neck 254 degrees from the aisle seat, you will still not be able to see anything...It's just a practical joke we play on the aisle seat passengers!!

5. The aircraft is flying at 854km/hr. But we will still be late by 55 minutes. Please ponder over this meaningless statistic. We get joy at throwing random numbers at people.

6. As per the current report from the control-room, we are number 12 in the Mumbai air-traffic-queue. But you know the fickle minded, twice-divorced air-traffic controller...By the time we approach Mumbai, he may put us at number 21!! So, don't take any of these announcements at face value...

7. I hope you followed my delayed, mostly irrelevant information read from a script outsourced by the legendary Rapidex guys and delivered in our trade-mark English which only frequent flyers can understand or so we think...

(We at XYZ airways have collectively failed the 'Lagey Raho' speech improvement programme...But Hum Honge Kaamyaab Ek Din...)

Finally the last of these messages put you to deep sleep despite the insidious 'temperature knob playing tactic!!!

I don't know who looks after the public address systems of most airlines...But they are uniformly crappy and banal...

For all brands, specially the service brands, the last mile customer-exchange/ conversation/monologue is quite important...

No, I wouldn't ever change my airlines because of this. I have far too many reward points to take care off:-)
But there are no diminishing returns for a service brand for being interesting, witty, human and sensible even at 45000ft up in the sky when the temperature outside is -38.679 deg Celsius...LOL

2 comments:

Gns2 said...

nice blog, hope can see more on your site soon

meraj said...

very funny...man you are getting into the wit-style of writing and its good. awaiting more of such stuff.

the other aspect which i find very funny and unnencessary is the Captains accent. it quarter training school-quareter american-quarter-british and ultimately, one understands nothing.

cheers!
m